Home | Survivor Help | About Violence | Take Action | Find Resources

Intimate Partner Violence Myths & Facts

Myth: A victim would/could leave if s/he really wanted to.

Myth: Victims who stay, or return, to abusive relationships must like the abuse.

Fact: There are many reasons why victims may choose to stay or return to their abusers. When we ask the question "Why don't you just leave?" we are placing the blame for the abuse on the victim, instead of holding the abuser responsible for his/her actions.

Why a Victim Stays...or Returns

• Low Self-Esteem A victim may feel like a failure as a partner, parent, or person because s/he cannot avoid or stop the abuse. The abuser usually reinforces this feeling as a means of controlling the victim.



• Economic Dependence The degree to which the victim is economically dependent upon the abuser will be a factor in whether or not the victim feels s/he can live independently from the abuser. A positive attitude can mean very little without the means to live independently.



• Keeping the Family Together The victim will often feel that having a second parent is more important than anything the victim can offer to children as a single parent. The victim may be unsure of her/his ability to keep and support the children. In fact, often the abuser may threaten to take the children as a way of keeping the victim from leaving.



• Guilt The victim often assumes the blame for the abuse and will expend energy uselessly trying to determine how to avoid provoking the abuser. If the victim is a woman, societal beliefs tend to hold women responsible for the emotional well-being of the family. Thus, she may feel it is her duty to hold the family together in times of crisis.



• Promises of Change Abusers frequently promise the victim over and over that he/she will never do "it" again. The victim often loves the abuser and wants very badly to believe that things will change and that the relationship will be successful.



• Emotional Dependence The abuser will make all of the decisions in the relationship as a means of controlling the victim. Thus the victim may have little or no experience in independent decision making and may not even be aware of the options and resources that are available.



• Isolation The victim is usually quite isolated. The abuser may control who the victim has contact with, and may even purposefully ruin the victim's relationships with family and friends. The more isolated the victim is, the more dependent on the abuser for any input about her/his value as a person or what options are available.



• Fear of Insanity The abuser may pretend like the abuse isn't happening and that it is something the victim is imagining. Additionally, the victim may be told by the abuser that s/he is crazy. The more isolated the victim is from other people, the more the victim depends on the abuser for "reality checks."



• No Place To Go The victim is often unaware of community resources, or may find a lack of community resources when s/he tries to use them. The victim may be isolated from family and friends, or family and friends may not be supportive or believe that the abuse is happening.



• Learned Behavior Over time victims may come to regard the abuse as a normal part of a relationship. Victims may have grown up in an abusive family and think that that is how all relationships are.



• Societal Attitudes Victims often have feelings of loneliness and inadequacy when facing a wall of non-understanding, unsupportive and judgmental friends, relatives and community members. The attitude that family "problems" are private increases isolation and guilt.



• Traditional Value Systems Traditional beliefs about relationships and gender roles deny the options separation and divorce, or even the existence of same-sex relationships. Strong religious convictions and the stigma of welfare often effectively force victims to remain in or return to an abusive situation.



• Fear The victim may be told that "If I can't have you, no one else will." Or the victim may have been threatened with physical harm, or even death, if s/he leaves.

Intimate Partner Violence Information

Statistics | Wheels | Myths & Facts

About Violence

Effects of Victimization | Sexual Assault | Sexual Harassment
Intimate Partner Violence | Stalking | LGBTQ Survivors | Male Survivors
Differently-Abled Survivors