The Morality Trap is the belief that you must obey a moral code created by someone else.
This trap is a variation of the Identity Trap in that it leads you to try to be something other than yourself. It's an easy trap to get caught in and an easy way to lose your freedom.
Morality is a powerful word. Perhaps even more powerful is the word immoral. In an attempt to avoid being labeled immoral, many people allow themselves to be manipulated by others.
What Is Morality?
At the same time the concept of morality is very vague. What is it? Where does it come from? What purpose does it serve? How is it determined?
My dictionary defines morality as "Moral quality or character; rightness or wrongness, as of an action." Well then, let's refer to the definition of moral, which is: "Related to, serving to teach, or in accordance with, the principles of right and wrong."
Now we're getting somewhere; all we need is a definition of right. And I suppose you can guess what that is: "In accordance with justice, law, morality, etc."'
Unfortunately, this definitional merry-go-round is typical of the common understanding of morality. You should do something because it's "right" -but by what standard?
It seems to me that there are three different kinds of morality. I call them
personal, universal, and absolute. By looking at each of them, I think we can get a clearer idea of what morality is and how it can be useful in helping you to achieve your freedom.
We've seen that you act in ways that you hope will bring the best consequences to you. And the "best consequences" are those that bring you happiness.
You always have to consider the consequences of your actions; they're the point of anything you do. However, any given act will undoubtedly cause many consequences. You may see that a particular action will produce a consequence you want, but you might also be aware that it could produce other consequences that you don't want ....
Since you're always seeking numerous different goals, you try to foresee the ways in which something immediately desirable might get in the way of other things that are ultimately more desirable. You try to consider more than just what's immediately in front of you. You're placing things in a broader context.
Obviously, you can't expect to foresee all the consequences of a given act, but you can try to see all the significant ones. In some cases, such as the bankrobbing example, there are obvious consequences that immediately rule out a proposed course of action.
In other cases more subtle possibilities were recognized after a few minutes' thought. But there will also be cases in which you won't be aware of the specific consequences until after you've acted and begun to experience them.
Code of Conduct.
Because you can't foresee all the specific consequences of what you do, there's a need to have some generalized rules available that can help keep you out of situations that could be troublesome. Those rules can be valuable if they do two things: (1) steer you away from potential disasters; and (2) remind you of the things you must do to satisfy your most important long-term desires.
The basic question is: "How can I get something I want without hurting my chances for other things that are more important to me?"
It is this generalized, long-term attitude that underlies an individual's basic code of conduct. And when we speak of morality, I can't think of any other sensible reason to be concerned about the subject. Its purpose is to keep you aimed in the direction you most want to go.
Personal morality is an attempt to consider all the relevant consequences of your actions.
"Relevant" means those consequences that will affect you. How your actions affect others is only important insofar as that, in turn, affects you.
A personal morality is basic to your overall view of how you'll find happiness. It's so important that a later chapter will be devoted entirely to questions that can help you form such a morality for yourself.
And it's important that you form it yourself. No one else (including me) is qualified to tell you how to live. A realistic morality has to consider many personal factors: your emotional nature, abilities, strengths, weaknesses, and, most important, your goals.
Your code of conduct has to be consistent with your goals so that you don't do anything that would make those goals unattainable. A code devised by someone else will necessarily be based upon the goals he believes possible and desirable.
To be useful, a morality shouldn't include rules for every possible situation. It shouldn't be concerned with minor questions involving only immediate consequences. It's devised to prevent big problems for you and to keep you aimed toward the ultimate goals that mean the most to you. Moral questions are concerned only with matters that involve large consequences.
There's a difference, for instance, between investing three dollars in a movie that might prove to be a dud and investing your life savings in a risky business venture. There's also a difference between tasting a different food that's commonly eaten (such as snails) and sampling toadstools in the forest. The first might cause a stomachache; the second could poison you.
A useful morality will prevent you from doing things that might take years to correct, while keeping you aimed in the direction of the things that are most important to you.
And since such matters are an outgrowth of your own personal values, it's obvious that no one else can create your morality for you.
A personal morality is the attempt to consider all the relevant consequences of your actions. This is only one of three common types of moralities, however.
The second type is a morality that is meant to apply to everyone in the world. A universal morality is one that's supposed to bring happiness to anyone who uses it.
When you're exposed to the ideas of someone who has apparently done well with his own life, it's easy to conclude that he has all the final answers. His reasoning makes sense to you; he has results to show for his ideas. What further proof could you need to demonstrate that he knows how to live?
He probably does know how to live-his life. It would be foolish not to consider the ideas such a person offers. But it would also be foolish to expect that, as intelligent as he may be, he could have answers that apply to every life in the world.
His ideas have worked for him because he's been wise enough to develop ideas that are consistent with his own nature. He hasn't tried to live by the standards created by others; he's found his own. And that's vitally important.
You must do the same thing, too-if you want your code of conduct to work that well for you. Your rules have to consider everything that's unique about you-your emotions, your aptitudes, your weak points, your hopes and fears ....
A universal morality is a code of conduct that is presumed to bring happiness to anyone who uses it. I don't believe there can be such a thing. The differences between individuals are far too great to allow for anything but the most general kinds of rules.
Absolute Morality. There's a third kind of morality. The first two are attempts to help you achieve happiness-one self-directed and the other coming from someone else. The third type is the opposite of this. An absolute morality is a set of rules to which an individual is expected to surrender his own happiness.
There are two main characteristics of an absolute morality:
1. It presumably comes from an authority outside of the individual. It comes from someone or somewhere more important than the individual himself.
2. It proposes that the individual should be "moral" regardless of the consequences to himself. In other words, doing what is "right" is more important than one's own happiness.
These two characteristics intertwine, so we'll consider them together.
Absolute morality is the most common type of morality, and it can be pretty intimidating. You can be made to appear "selfish,' "whim-worshipping," "egotistic," "hedonistic," or "ruthless," if you merely assert that your own happiness is the most important thing in your life.
But what could be more important than your happiness? It's said that an authoritarian moral code is necessary to protect society. But who is society? Isn't it just a large group of people, each of whom have differing ideas concerning how one should live?
And if an individual is required to give up his own happiness, of what value is society to him?
It's also suggested that God commanded that we live by certain rules. But who can be sure he knows exactly when and how and what God said and what he meant? And even if that could be established once and for all, what would be the consequences to the individual if he acted otherwise? How do we know?
And if the code did come from God, it still had to be handled by human beings on its way to you. Whatever the absolute morality may be, you're relying upon someone else to vouch for its authority.
Suppose you use a holy book as your guide. I haven't yet seen one that doesn't have some apparent contradictions regarding conduct in it. Those contradictions may disappear with the proper interpretation; but who provides the interpretation? You'll do it yourself or you'll select someone to provide it for you. In either case, you have become the authority by making the choice.
There's no way someone else can become your authority; ultimately the decision will be yours in choosing the morality you'll live by-even if you choose to cite someone else (you've chosen) as the authority for your acts.
And there's no way you can ignore the consequences to yourself; a human being naturally acts in terms of consequences.What happens, however, is that other people introduce consequences that they hope will influence you. They say that your "immoral" acts will: "prevent you from going to heaven - or "cause other people to disapprove of you"-or "destroy society and cause chaos, and it will all be your fault."
Once again, however, it will be you deciding for yourself whether any of these consequences will result and whether any of them are important to you.
The absolute morality fails on its two important characteristics. Even if you choose to believe there's a higher authority, you are the authority who chooses what it is and what it is telling you to do. And since you'll always be considering consequences, even if you try to fix it so that you aren't, it's important to deliberately recognize the consequences and decide which ones are important to you ....
The Morality Trap is the belief that you must obey a moral code created by someone else. If you're acting in ways you hope will satisfy someone else's concept of what is moral, chances are you're using an ill-suited code of conduct-one that won't lead you to what you want and that may trap you in commitments and complications that can only cause you unhappiness. So in terms of the trap, what you do isn't as significant as why you do it.
You're in the trap if you hand a very important dollar to a beggar because "it's wrong to be selfish." Or if you continue to deal respectfully with someone who's made trouble for you because "to forgive is divine."
You're in the trap if you allow yourself to be drafted because "you have a duty to your country." Or if you prohibit drinking in your home because "it would weaken the moral fiber of society" Or if you send your children to Sunday school even though you aren't religious, because "you should give them a moral upbringing".
You might have very good reasons for any of these actions. But if you do them only in obedience to moral clichés, you're in the Morality Trap ....
Your Morality. You are responsible for what happens to you (even if someone else offers to accept that responsibility), because you're the one who'll experience the consequences of your acts.
You are the one who decides what is right and what is wrong-no matter what meaning others may attach to those words. You don't have to obey blindly the dictates that you grew up with or that you hear around you now. Everything can be challenged, should be challenged, examined to determine it's relevance to you and what you want.
As you examine the teachings of others, you may find that some of it is very appropriate to you, but much of it may be meaningless or even harmful. The important thing is to carefully reappraise any moral precept that has been guiding your actions.
As you examine each of the rules you've been living by, ask yourself:
-Is this rule something that others have devised on behalf of "society" to restrain individuals? Or have 1 devised it in order to make my life better for myself?
-Am I acting by an old, just-happens-to-be-there morality? Or is it something I've personally determined from the knowledge of who I am and what I want?
-Are the rewards and punishments attached to the rules vague and intangible? Or do the rules point to specific happiness I can achieve or unhappiness I can avoid?
-Is it a morality I've accepted because "someone undoubtedly knows the reason for it"? Or is it one I've created because 1 know the reason for it?
-Is it a morality that's currently "in style" and accepted by all those around me? Or is it a morality specifically tailored to my style?
-Is it a morality that's aimed at me and against my self-interest? Or is it a morality that's for me and comes from me?
All the answers must come from you-not from a book or a lecture or a sermon. To assume that someone once wrote down the final answers for your morality is to assume that the writer stopped growing the day he wrote the code. Don't treat him unfairly by thinking that he couldn't have discovered more and increased his own understanding after he'd written the code. And don't forget that what he wrote was based upon what he saw.
No matter how you approach the matter, you are the sovereign authority who makes the final decisions. The more you realize that, the more your decisions will fit realistically with your own life ....
The-Unselfishness Trap is the-belief that you must put the happiness of others ahead of your own.Unselfishness is a very popular ideal, one that's been honored throughout recorded history. Wherever you turn, you find encouragement to put the happiness of others ahead of your own-to do what's best for the world, not for yourself.
If the ideal is sound, there must be something unworthy in seeking to live your life as you want to live it.
So perhaps we should look more closely at the subject-to see if the ideal is sound. For if you attempt to be free, we can assume that someone's going to consider that to be selfish.
We saw in Chapter 2 that each person always acts in ways he believes will make him feel good or will remove discomfort from his life. Because everyone is different from everyone else, each individual goes about it in his own way.One man devotes his life to helping the poor. Another one lies and steals. Still another person tries to create better products and services for which he hopes to be paid handsomely. One woman devotes herself to her husband and children. Another one seeks a career as a singer.
In every case, the ultimate motivation has been the same. Each person is doing what he believes will assure his happiness. What varies between them is the means each has chosen to gain his happiness.
We could divide them into two groups labeled "selfish" and "unselfish," but I don't think that would prove anything. For the thief and the humanitarian each have the same motive-to do what he believes will make him feel good.
In fact, we can't avoid a very significant conclusion: Everyone is selfish. Selfishness isn't really an issue, because everyone selfishly seeks his own happiness.
What we need to examine, however, are the means various people choose to achieve their happiness. Unfortunately, some people oversimplify the matter by assuming that there are only two basic means: sacrifice yourself for others or make them sacrifice for you. Happily, there's a third way that can produce better consequences than either of those two.
A Better World? Let's look first at the ideal of living for the benefit of others. It's often said that it would be a better world if everyone were unselfish.
But would it be?
If it were somehow possible for everyone to give up his own happiness, what would be the result? Let's carry it to its logical conclusion and see what we find.
To visualize it, let's imagine that happiness is symbolized by a big red rubber ball. I have the ball in my hands-meaning that I hold the ability to be happy. But since I'm not going to be selfish, I quickly pass the ball to you. I've given up my happiness for you.
What will you do? Since you're not selfish either, you won't keep the ball; you'll quickly pass it on to your next-door neighbor. But he doesn't want to be selfish-either, so he passes it to his wife, who likewise gives it to her children.
The children have been taught the virtue of unselfishness, so they pass it to playmates, who pass it to parents, who pass it to neighbors, and on and on and on.
I think we can stop the analogy at this point and ask what's been accomplished by all this effort. Who's better off for these demonstrations of pure unselfishness?
How would it be a better world if everyone acted that way? Whom would we be unselfish for? There would have to be a selfish person who would receive, accept, and enjoy the benefits of our unselfishness for there to be any purpose to it. But that selfish person (the object of our generosity) would be living by lower standards than we do.
For a more practical example, what is achieved by the parent who "sacrifices" himself for his children, who in turn are expected to sacrifice themselves for their children, etc.? The unselfishness concept is a merry-go-round that has no ultimate purpose. No one's self-interest is enhanced by the continual relaying of gifts from one person to another to another.
Perhaps most people have never carried the concept of unselfishness to this logical conclusion. If they did, they might reconsider their pleas for an unselfish world.Negative Choices. But, unfortunately, the pleas continue, and they're a very real part of your life. In seeking your own freedom and happiness, you have to deal with those who tell you that you shouldn't put yourself first. That creates a situation in which you're pressured to act negatively-to put aside your plans and desires in order to avoid the condemnation of others.
As I've said before, one of the characteristics of a free man is that he's usually choosing positively-deciding which of several alternatives would make him the happiest; while the average person, most of the time, is choosing which of two or three alternatives will cause him the least discomfort.
He doesn't sacrifice himself for others, nor does he expect others to be sacrificed for him. He takes the third alternative-he finds relationships that are mutually beneficial so that no sacrifice is required.
Please Yourself. Everyone is selfish; everyone is doing what he believes will make himself happier. The recognition of that can take most of the sting out of accusations that you're being "selfish." Why should you feel guilty for seeking your own happiness when that's what everyone else is doing, too?
The demand that you be unselfish can be motivated by any number of reasons: that you'd help create a better world, that you have a moral obligation to be unselfish, that you give up your happiness to the selfishness of someone else, or that the person demanding it has just never thought it out.
Whatever the reason, you're not likely to convince such a person to stop his demands. But it will create much less pressure on you if you realize that it's his selfish reason. And you can eliminate the problem entirely by looking for more compatible companions.
To find constant, profound happiness requires that you be free to seek the gratification of your own desires. It means making positive choices.
If you slip into the Unselfishness Trap, you'll spend a good part of your time making negative choices-trying to avoid the censure of those who tell you not to think of yourself. You wont have time to be free.
If someone finds happiness by doing "good works" for others, let him. That doesn't mean that's the best way for you to find happiness.
And when someone accuses you of being selfish, just remember that he's only upset because you aren't doing what he selfishly wants you to do.